please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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