I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
