i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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