No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just saw a hot homeless man
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
