I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
