I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
did you just send me my own nude
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
