He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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