does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
