Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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