I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
