im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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