If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
