Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
