What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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