I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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