connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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