i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
they're like a gay fantastic four
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
