I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
