Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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