Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
