Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
