Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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