My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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