i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I forget how to act sober
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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