I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
as a side note pls kill me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
