So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
