I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
