Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
