Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
