David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
