just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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