If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
