Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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