don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
