nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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