So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
