We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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