toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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