he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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