I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
