Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
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