True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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