I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
worst night to have a conscience
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
