Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
