I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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