Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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