I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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