He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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