we're blogging at a bar
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
