Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
