oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
organizing the empties. That sober.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
