Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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