so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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