I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
