New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
