I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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