SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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