You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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