Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
