You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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