haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
