took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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