i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize