I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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